In my life, I’ve settled many times. I’ve settled to keep the peace, and I’ve settled for peace of mind. The time I finally said ‘fuck it’ to settling has made all the difference.
Half-assing my way through Community Organizations class at the end of grad school because I had the foundation to do good clinical work, was fine. The time I was with an asshole because I thought he was all I deserved, was not.
My goal is to help you get off that soul-crushing path where you’re merely existing, but never thriving. And if you’re offended by my less-than genteel terminology, this article is clearly not for you. Goodbye and good luck.
Onward…
Perhaps people take advantage of you and you’re sick and tired of being treated like a doormat. This could be your spouse not listening when you say, “Honey, we really need to stop buying coffee on the run ” or the boss piling on more tasks because you’re the worker “who never complains.”
Getting on the right side of self-esteem means learning why you settle in the first place.
Most importantly, it’s realizing the role you play in eating shit sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Take it from someone who’s been there done that — nothing tastes as good as self-respect feels.
Standing up for your wants, needs and everything you’ve worked for up to this point may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s hard for many people. And that’s sad. You can however, learn to take a bite out of the elephant’s ass, instead of trying to swallow it whole.
Baby steps…
If you continually encounter unappreciative behavior from those around you, chances are you’re benefiting from swallowing your emotions. And let’s face it — there’s ulterior gains in every action we continuously repeat, or else we wouldn’t continue doing them, right?
Childhood dynamics, past relationship issues, or current circumstances aside, you don’t deserve to just get by in life. The habit could be so embedded in your daily routine that you operate on auto pilot.
But those days are gone. It’s time to wake up and smell the rancid roses blocking your path to self-fulfillment. Better yet, get out of your own way.
And you my friend, are the one blocking your happiness, not the other way around. Sure, there’s willing participants ready to take advantage of your generosity or your passivity, but blaming them is like me getting angry when our rescue Siberian Husky, Bullet runs head-on toward white SUVs during evening walks. Blaming others is a cop out. But you already know this.
Refusing to take responsibility for thinking and acting the way you do is no way to live. Seriously. Allow me to show you the way.
Not Getting By Lesson #1: YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN KEEPING THE PEACE, AND PEACE OF MIND
This one’s about as subtle as my disdain for all-things narcissistic. ’Tis one thing to agree to vacation with your in-laws to keep the peace with your wife, and quite another to allow your father-in-law to continually criticize you in front of your kids. Peace of mind takes work, and far too many people are psychologically lazy.
The next time you’re in conflict with someone, ask yourself, Is what I’m doing (or not doing) helping my relationship, and my self-worth?
Next question: Am I being passive-aggressive instead of honestly communicating my wishes?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never felt proud of myself after acting mean.
Bottom line — there’s nothing sexy, noble or mature about passive-aggressive behavior.
Not Getting By Lesson #2: YOU HAVE TO STOP SWALLOWING YOUR ANGER, THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, INSTEAD OF USING IT AS AMMUNITION
Nice people are experts at getting by because settling for second best means you can blame your dissatisfaction on those around you. Think martyrdom. You suffer in silence rather than acknowledge that your needs are important. But this only leaves you feeling entitled, and then guilty for thinking entitled and mean thoughts, and then angry because nobody’s reading your mind and making you happy.
Always LOVED this one.
Turn those uncomfortable emotions into positive actions, instead. “The primary benefit of anger for an individual,” says researcher and psychologist Aaron Sell, “is preventing oneself from being exploited.”
Sell’s research on anger has shown that strong men and pretty women — those who historically have had the most power to cause harm or withhold benefits — are angered more easily than their peers.
“If you know what you deserve, and someone else denies this need, anger arises. Your heart rate increases, you start to sweat, you think about all the things you could do to set the other party straight. Safety, civility, practicality—such concerns evaporate.”
Utilize those feelings of devaluation to get moving. Assert yourself, and give up taking care of people who are capable of taking care of themselves.
Aw, man.
Not Getting By Lesson #3: (THE PART WHERE I GO BONKERS BECAUSE DAMN-NEAR NOBODY GETS THIS ONE): ANSWER THIS: WHO TOOK CARE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE AS A KID?
If there’s one psychological dynamic (or lack, thereof) that’s going to make me finally trade in my therapy hat for the Starbucks barista green apron, it’s when client’s answer the aforementioned question with, and I’m paraphrasing here — Oh my God — I have no idea. I mean I never thought of that before. Wow. Uh…nobody, I guess.
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it 1,077 times: Mental health is everything in life.
Every Problem On Earth, — from LGBT youth getting kicked out of their homes by their rigid, self-righteous asshole parents, to Charlie Sheen calling Kim Kardashian ‘fat-ass’ on Twitter, and all the way down to terrorism in the name of martyrdom — Is A Mental Health Issue. 
Why more people aren’t all up in arms about our lack of urgency for making Social/Emotional IQ part of every school curriculum worldwide, beats me.
Common Core will never cure the damage done by toxic administrations that lack the balls to stand up to the difficult parents, or the middle school boys who are mercilessly teased during P.E. class, or the ravaging relationship effects that come from growing up in domestic violence households.
Disclaimer: Perhaps I was a bit histrionic in the header — The Huffington Post did kind of give a damn about this one.
The good news is if you learned social/emotional IQ from your folks, Stonewaller Sue and Fly-Off-The-Handle Harry, it’s never too late to get acquainted with your inner child. And if you’re unsure where to begin, I’ve written kick-ass articles on the topic here, here, here, here, and here. If you’re truly serious, you can join me here.
Here’s to not settling.
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HOW BAD DO YOU NEED TO RELAX?
Studies show nearly 60% of adults want to slow down and practice self-care, but less than 20% actually do anything about it. Don’t be that guy. Or gal. I recorded two calming audios to get you started. Just put your name and email in the form and I’ll send the zen your way.
No spam. Just calm. I swear.
