“No one ever died from their feelings, but millions have died from abusing substances in the name of avoiding their feelings.” —Unknown
Avoiding pain is a natural response. Pain is nature’s way of telling us we’re not physically safe. Emotional pain alerts us that something is not going well in our lives, and in order to feel better, we must do something different. Whether you’re feeling anxious, depressed, or just plain, blah, the first step toward getting better is feeling your feelings.
It’s common and healthy to question your feelings:
- Why do I feel like this?
- What exactly do I feel?
- I don’t feel anything—what’s wrong here?
- Where does my body store feelings?
The purpose of this article is 1) to help increase your awareness of feelings and 2) to offer tools and strategies for identifying and expressing feelings more readily.
7 facts about feelings:
1. Feelings, unlike thoughts, involve a physical reaction which often “takes over” the body. Anxious feelings cause increases in heart rate, breathing, perspiration, and even shaking or trembling. It’s common to vividly remember the physical sensations of a panic attack, but recall very little of the thoughts and fears that precipitated it.
Solution: Get out of your head and tune into your body. Although you can’t see your brain’s limbic system or your autonomic nervous system (where feelings are stored), you can close your eyes and focus on regular, conscious breath until you feel more centered, calm, and relaxed.
2. Feelings do not just appear “out of the blue.” Feelings are a direct result of your thoughts and perceptions. As out of control, intense, and scary the emotion, it’s important to remember that you created it. Further complicating anxious feelings is the unconscious.
Solution: Keep a journal of your most prevalent thoughts throughout the week. Identifying thoughts and the corresponding feelings helps you recognize unhealthy patterns. Some thoughts may be so automatic that you don’t realize how prevalent they are until you see them on paper. Pay close attention to thoughts that don’t correspond to reality. “I just know I’m going to have a panic attack during the presentation” is probably not realistic if you have a good track record regarding public speaking.
3. Feelings are categorized as simple or complex. Think of basic or simple emotions like anger, sadness, grief, fear, love, or excitement. Basic feelings tend to be short-lived, reactive, and are more tied to the physical changes in the body. More complex feelings include disappointment, weariness, impatience, and ambivalence. Complex feelings are a combination of more than one simple emotion, usually last longer, and are more involved in thought and rumination.
Solution: Distinguish basic from complex emotions to sort out what’s going on, and reinforce that feelings do not always come in pure form, but rather in mixtures. For example, hiking in the woods and confronting a bear is a basic emotion (fear) with an identifiable trigger (the bear). This is a pure feeling. Free-floating or generalized anxiety (without an obvious object or trigger) is a complex emotion. Think of the mixture of anger, guilt, and love that you feel when arguing with your partner, child, or close friend.
4. Feelings give you energy. When you are clear, you are more apt to share your life. We’re all wired to connect with others, and these connections serve as a buffer against a constricted and isolated existence. If you withhold or suppress feelings, you go through life experiencing a certain numbness or emptiness.
Solution: When stuck or listless, ask yourself three important questions:
- How do I feel?
- What do I want?
- What actions do I need to take?
5. Feelings can be contagious. You’re likely to feel sad, weepy, and depressed when in the company of someone who’s crying. Conversely, if you surround yourself with happy, enthusiastic company, their positive vibes rub off on you.
Solution: The more “in touch” with your inner life, the less prone you are to “catch” the negative emotions of those around you. Observing the environment means you are objective about the actions of others and cognizant of how their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors contribute to their reality. Sometimes it’s not about you.
6. Feelings are not “right” or “wrong.” Feelings exist as reactions. Think of how automatic your body’s response to breathing or hunger pangs. There’s no escaping feelings.
Solution: Anger, jealousy, joy, fear, and guilt are not necessarily valid or invalid. However, your perception of the situation or the person you interact with and the subsequent feelings which arise may be skewed, incorrect, or invalid. Remember they’re your feelings, and someone in the same situation may feel differently.
7. Unexpressed feelings can be as damaging as secrets. When you feel something, find your words and speak on it. You have a right to express yourself. Nobody deserves emotional abuse.
Solution: Write a letter communicating your feelings. This is useful if the person is not available physically. Think ex-spouse, partner, or a deceased parent. Express all feelings, positive and negative. Read the letter to a trusted friend, or keep it private. Sometimes reading aloud makes the sentiment more real. You decide if you want to send the letter or not.
Changing your feelings doesn’t have to be difficult. Remind yourself that whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. The important lesson is learning to mange your feelings so they don’t manage you.
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For more in-depth information, check out Team Happy. The module, “Calming Your Anxious Mind,” is all the rage. We got videos, relaxation Mp3s, course notes…the whole enchilada. And when was the last time you got positively schooled for less than the cost of two lattes?
Go mental health!
Yours in calm, confident and in control,
—Linda
