I shoulda been a cop.
As much as I cherish being a therapist and sharing in the process of getting my brave clients past their darkest relationship days, the truth is my talents lie in sniffing out the bad guys.
Believe me, it wasn’t always that way.
I’ll tell you why at the end. And you will want to stick around because, no lie, I once caught a child molester.
And if you’re thinking, “Holy Cow, Linda, how does your vocational misstep help with my relationship problem?,” trust me—it’ll all make sense in the end.
But for now the lesson lies in knowing that when you are repeatedly caught in the same toxic relationship web of “Oh my God, how did I end up here again?,” you are not here because you were caught off guard.
You are here because somewhere along the line your asshole meter broke (if it was ever installed in the first place), you developed bad relationship habits where you allowed others to take advantage of you, and then you woke up one day, and said, “Oh my God, how did I end up here again?”
Which leads to the point of why you are here.
And I’m so glad you are because there is a way out, my friend.
When you continuously find yourself wading in the same muddy waters of relationship despair, you are unintentionally suiting up for that putrid swim. And for my skimmers in the house, note the word unintentionally.
And since I was apparently ditching English class the day Mr. DaCosta taught the proper use of “italics,” let me take a stab in the dark because I think segues qualify, and if not, oh fucking well, and let me warn you that if you are offended by the word ‘fuck,’ you will want to click the back button. And because the last thing I want is to add more stress to your life, here’s a nice, clean article about mindfulness to soothe your nerves. Here’s a nice, clean video on meditation for beginners, too. Because I’m classy like that.
Shitty grammar aside, it’s time to get down to business.
What many people don’t realize is there is an art to seeking out healthy relationships, and it starts with you. None of us were born with the “good relationship gene.” And the sad truth is some of us got straight-up screwed at birth. However, no sense in bawling like a dehydrated infant now, right?
The good news is you can find your way out of rotten relationships if you’re willing to 1) read this article to the bitter end, and 2) apply all the principles herein.
Let’s begin by defining unhealthy relationships. The essence of toxic is doing too much of this, and not doing enough of that.
This looks like to much time worrying, avoiding, complaining, pondering, obsessing, screaming, throwing, crying, and finally, Facebook vomiting all over your friends.
Conversely, that is not enough time spent thinking three steps ahead while in the throes of assholery.
Speaking of baby steps…
Our first taste of the judicial system comes courtesy of the Court of Mom and Dad. Familial law and order stipulates that if you mistreat others, you are justly disciplined. The unwritten oath of relationships is learning to respect others’ minds, bodies and property. Additionally, you are taught how to apologize when you wrong someone. And bonus points if you learned the correct way to say sorry.
How to Apologize in 4 Steps (created by some awesome teacher)
I’m sorry for…
This is wrong because…
In the future I will…
Will you forgive me?
If your family laws did not include swift and just punishment for breaking the house rules, you were by default, MIA the day the rest of the class learned the lessons about healthy emotional expression, AKA, emotional intelligence. So yeah, you got screwed, but don’t cry for yourself, Argentina. If it makes you feel better, I missed the whole fucking EQ course as a kid.
What you must do however, is work harder than the next guy because emotional reasoning and resilience were not part of your childhood foundation. And for what it’s worth, I am sorry. Every child deserves to grow up with stable caretakers. Take my mom, for instance.
One day Helen Esposito sat me down and said, “Linda, bad relationships don’t grow on trees, so I’m going to teach you how to attract the worst possible people on the planet. The ones who leave you thinking that it’s all your fault when things don’t right, and then they blame you for the Bay of Pigs Invasion of 1961, or the high cost of Honeycrisp apples, or whatever, and you agree with them.” Alright, so she didn’t say that, but for the sake of childhood lessons gone awry, let’s say she did, okay?
Your Court of Mom and Dad was likely corrupt if you’ve ever wandered into a police station and pined over the order, freshly-pressed uniforms and holstered guns the way a 13 year old pines after Mortal Kombat.
Kids who don’t get adequate training in childhood, grow up filling in the puzzle pieces. And because children are not equipped with the maturity and life experience to make sense of chaos, many seek out their own breed of justice.
Teens from dysfunctional environments crave structure. I’ve counseled countless inner-city kids whose top three career aspirations include 1) becoming president and CFO of their gang, 2) a cop, or 3) a firefighter. In the absence of stable, loving caretakers—guns, glory and combustible gases are often the parental byproducts for seeking retribution, enforcing the natural order of life, and living out rescue fantasies.
And because I should have signed up for the police academy that sunny day I enrolled in therapy school, let’s focus on the traits that make a good cop.
In short, training, patience, strength, concentration, objectivity, a healthy skepticism, calm under pressure, and firearm precision. Save for that last one, same goes for good relationship making.
And while most of us have fantasized about popping a cap in some jerk’s ass after we’ve been wronged, our rational mind knows we need to fight fire with a different firearm. The most powerful weapon is our mind.
And because you knew a listicle was a-comin,’ here’s a handy guide to catch the bad guy or gal invading your head, heart or home.
Breaking the Cycle #1: Slow and steady wins the game
Because dirty, wicked, mean and nasty folks lie awake at night plotting how to screw over the nice guys, you are at an disadvantage. Bottom line, emotional abuse is a 24-7 job, and you need to get in shape.
Just as most cops do not spend 59 minutes of every hour at Dunkin’ Donuts clogging their arteries, it doesn’t make sense for you to ignore mindfulness-based practices and clog your mind with negativity. You are not a victim, here. Very few people are.
So because you’re an intelligent human being, capable of making your own decisions and availing yourself of options, let’s start with self-care.
Breaking the Cycle #2: Pay attention to the signs
For example, last Saturday I took a self-defense class sponsored by our local police department. On Sunday I saw the film, Straight Outta Compton in all its bad cop glory. On Wednesday I found myself at one police station reporting a crime, and on Thursday wound up in another precinct dealing with the same crime. Signs — they’re everywhere.
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On the topic of law and order, let’s pay it forward for all the kids who grow up wanting to be a cop.
Most people go into law enforcement because they want to make a difference and they want to see justice in the world. Righting the wrongs perpetrated by society’s criminals means hanging the bad guys by their balls.
To break any cycle where you are taken advantage of, you must create mental law and order. Speaking of which, here’s the lowdown of the time I caught a child molester. For the sake of preserving the fidelity of this literary masterpiece, let us judiciously pay homage to the following true story, outlined in *bullet* points:
- As a rookie school social worker in the inner city, I counseled a 10 year-old girl who alleged sexual misconduct by her mother’s boyfriend. When a relative called the police, he fled. The girl referred to him only by his gang moniker.
- For six weeks, she talked about seeing him at this restaurant, or that gas station. Meanwhile, the mom was on the lam, with all her kids in tow. The police, Children’s Protective Services (CPS), and the Sheriff’s Department repeatedly dropped the ball, despite my numerous attempts for legal action.
- The “break” came after I threatened to show up at the CPS office after one surly hotline worker refused to take my report because the perp’s alleged hideout was not a physical address. The girl recalled an apartment building near a well-known religious landmark. The threat worked. Two hours later, an emergency CPS worker arrived at the school and the brave, but scared girl calmly repeated her story.
- Three weeks later I was subpoenaed to testify in court, as the child and her siblings had been placed in protective custody. The day before the hearing, I got a call from a young, enthusiastic lawyer from the District Attorney’s office: “We got our man! We sent in S.W.A.T. after he barricaded himself. We got him on Three Strikes, so he’ll be locked up a long time.”
- More than joy, I felt drained: “May I ask where he was found?” Ms. Eager Beaver’s response: “An apartment complex next to a Greek church. Thanks!–our job is done and we won’t be needing your assistance!”
- It took all my strength not to whisper, “I got your man, baby. I. Got. Him.”
Whew! and onward…
As you can see, Bullet’s really stressed.
Continuing with the ballistic theme, and because let’s face it, this is heavy stuff — here’s a picture of my dog, Bullet, in doggie jail.
Breaking the Cycle #3: Be calm, firm and loud (but not too loud)
Speaking of too loud, Gary Vaynerchuk gets most all of my social media attention because he’s so damned honest, scrappy and right. When I need motivation to promote mental wellness I go to the #AskGaryVee show. Seriously, for a non-shrink, this guy gets psychology.
One of my fave Gary Vee gems: Think offense not defense. In short, you are in control, not the other way around. You don’t have to wait for the other person to dictate the course of action. Mean people naturally put you on the defensive because their random attacks feel so out of the blue and vitriolic. Resist the urge to assert yourself in kind and take the calm road less traveled.
When contesting a point with your boss, your subordinate, your ex, your chauvinistic grandfather, your MIL, or your mechanic, pause three seconds before responding how you normally would. And before you speak, make an intentional effort to talk two decibels lower and two speeds slower.
Remember when in an argument or heated debate, you hear only the first three to five words before the message gets blurred.
Even if your calm message falls on deaf ears, at the very least, you can rest assured that you are practicing good communication skills to:
—stop arguments and defuse strong emotions
—help the other person to listen to you
—help you persuade the other person
—help the other person feel heard
—improve relationships
The thing about breaking the cycle of toxic relationships is you rarely get it right the first time. None of us do. So keep on truckin,’ …
Breaking the Cycle #4: Your vibe attracts your tribe
Echo and amplify the things you want, not the things you don’t want. Put your energy into surrounding yourself with kind, generous, and respectful people. Let’s fact it — keeping mean people in your life makes about as much sense as believing you actually did order President Kennedy to invade an island off Florida in 1961, even though you were like, negative 17 years old at the time.
Breaking the Cycle #5: Distinguish between healthy and unhealthy communication patterns
This.
Breaking the Cycle #6: Let that shit go
You can yell, scream, plead, beg, bargain and steal, and the energy spent is all for naught. Why? You cannot preach to the unconverted because they simply don’t give enough of a rat’s ass about you or your message. But you can say ‘fuck it, I’m out.’ And turn and walk away.
Because if you don’t break the cycle now, you are going to repeat the cycle, and then your children, your grandchildren, and your dog will repeat the cycle, and then you’ll forever be that guy or that gal who gets banned from play dates, Senior Bingo Night, and dog parks, and then the world will end up with more unscooped dog shit, a massive amount of overly-medicated elderly, and a fuckton of entitled, aggressive bullies who prey on the weak.
Breaking the Cycle #7: Do All the Above Actions, and Then Say This…
As a final farewell to the boys and girls in blue who do more than their fair share of catching the bad guys: The beauty of putting the work into ending the cycle of toxic relationships is you develop tight, firm boundaries around who you are, who you are not, and most importantly, who gets a pass inside your precious mental real estate. Best of all, you learn the two essential words to live, breathe and die by the next time you’re in the presence of a narcissist or other asshole:
“Fuck you.”
*****
For additional guidance on all-things-healthy relationships, check out the advice of relationship experts and fellow psychotherapists found here.
And this resource if you prefer your psychological insight delivered straight to your inbox, Boot Camp style 🙂
Thanks for being here.
Please share this resource with someone living inside relationship hell.
Yours in mental health,
-Linda Esposito
