Nobody is going to take care of your emotional health. Ever.

You can get someone to pay your bills, watch your kids, run your company, but nadie is going to stand guard over that precious real estate inside your head.

And that’s a good thing. When on your death bed you need clarity. Or so I’m told. (Not really. No one toId me that — I  just couldn’t come up with a reliable transition sentence. Then it hit me — relationships are similar to death.)

Let’s be honest, some relationships are so eye-scratchingly awful they make you wish you would Meet Your Maker, while others end so tragically and suddenly, the heartbreak and desolation make you pray to Meet Your Maker. And then some are just so boring, insipid or familial you want to dive ass first into a Vat of Vodka.

For better or worse, relationships are what life is all about.

Here are “The Top Regrets of The Dying” according a palliative nurse who based the book on her experiences:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

All the more reason to get a leg up on your death bed experience now, right?


Spring Cleaning Your Relationships in Three Steps

 

1. Dare to break family ties. I know, I know, you’re a dutiful son or daughter and nixing your depressed Dad feels counter-intuitive as hell. But you don’t have to maintain relationships with blood who only bring pain and suffering. Take a tip from the Millennials — just because it’s a family possession, doesn’t mean it matches your mental decor. According to The Washington Post, 20-and 30-somethings are breaking tradition and refusing to be defined by the family heirlooms their parents try to offload onto them, oak furniture and Little League trophies, be damned. The same logic can be applied to decluttering unhealthy relationships.

Death bed boundary: Distance. While I wished I had a loving and stable father, I respectfully separated myself for the sake of my sanity.

 

2. Realize people communicate via actions more than words. You need time, experience and insight to internalize this one, but trust me here. Not everyone you cross paths with is looking out for your best interests. If a person seems too good to be true, they probably are. If you’re confused, take a step back and answer the following questions:

~When I’m around this person how do I feel?
~When I’m not around this person, how do I feel?

Unhealthy people will raise red flags and leave you pondering, questioning, analyzing and obsessing over something they said or did (or didn’t say or didn’t do). Healthy, secure and well-adjusted individuals bring a smile to your face whether you’re with or without them.

Death bed boundary: Discretion. I sure knew how to pick ‘em.

3. Recognize mean, hurtful and disrespectful people. This is all-encompassing and requires you to not compartmentalize, or make excuses, feel sorry for, or justify bad actions. I recently wrote an article for Psychology Today about the incompatibility of love and lust which exists in some marriages. The feedback via many commenters was downright sad. Mostly, it was the angst around knowing when to leave. And I can’t answer that. I’m not the arbiter of the health of anyone’s marriage, and therein lies the conflict. You have to know yourself inside and out, and establish your own identity apart from those around you.

Death bed boundary: Decisiveness. When it was time to end relationships, I communicated my intentions honestly, and with as much compassion, class and grace as possible.

Getting rid of unhealthy relationships is a lifelong journey. The good news is you still have time…

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