Despite the best of intentions, most of us go about the business of being happy the wrong way. It’s easy to talk about what changes you’re going to make to increase positive emotions and have healthier relationships, but talking rarely translates into swift actions in the right direction.
There’s two common problems here: 1. Talk in and of itself, wastes time. Unless you’re talking about how you just speed-dialed your accountant to discuss the sound financial plan you’ve been avoiding, talk is not the way to go. The good news is this article is chock-full of actionable steps.
Problem #2: You don’t have a happiness plan. Few of us do, but at the end of the day, if you don’t have emotional wellbeing and peace of mind, what do you have?
You can read all the happiness advice in the world, even slap inspirational quotes on your iPad, your dashboard and your forehead, but none of that matters unless you set aside intentional effort each and every day toward doing the things that work.
To achieve healthier emotions and coping skills, you need actions — things you can do today that will improve the quality of your life for months and years to come. And these are those best things.
You’re the expert on your emotional health, so choose one or more of the following actions and get started. I guarantee you’ll see improvements to your mood, your outlook, and maybe even develop some bright, sexy habits in the process.
Action #1: Savoring
“My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it’s on your plate.” ~Thornton Wilder
Most of us are pretty good at recognizing negative events in our lives. We know how to complain and we can analyze any problem into the ground. But that’s not all — sometimes when good things happen, we don’t optimize those experiences, either.
“It’s been presumed that when good things happen, people naturally feel joy for it,” says Fred Bryant, a social psychologist at Loyola University Chicago. His research, however, suggests that we don’t always respond to these good things in ways that maximize their positive effects on our lives.
Bryant is the father of research on “savoring,” or the concept that being mindfully engaged and aware of your feelings during positive events can increase happiness in the short and long term.
“It is like swishing the experience around in your mind,” says Bryant.
Most people truly understand what it means to savor after overcoming uncomfortable or painful circumstances or following a brush with mortality or a major setback. Once your migraine subsides, you delight in a painfree existence. When you’ve recovered from a catastrophic illness, you’re overcome with vigor and vitality. Upon getting your car back from the repair shop, you happily fetch milk at midnight. You vow to live each day from here on in as if it were your last. But why wait until the bad stuff happens to appreciate the good?
The ability to savor the positive experiences in your life is one of the most important ingredients of happiness.
Researchers define savoring as any thoughts or behaviors capable of generating, intensifying, and prolonging enjoyment. When you ‘stop and smell the roses’ instead of walking by absentmindedly, you are savoring. When you take pride in your coworker’s accomplishments, you are savoring. When you transition from a chaotic or distracted state and become fully aware of how much there is to enjoy of life, you are savoring.
How to Savor Positive Events:
Psychologist and researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky (The How of Happiness) has found various strategies for increasing happiness. Here are a few:
1. Put together a small album of photos of loved ones, places you’ve visited, or mementos of happy events. Make it portable so that you can carry with you on trips or keep it on hand to look at whenever you need a little boost.
2. Enjoy ordinary everyday activities or experiences instead of rushing through them. Choose one task of your normal routine like taking a shower or drinking a cup of coffee and give it your full attention. Notice every thing that is pleasant about the experience.
3. Cherish the time spent with loved ones. Share the feeling with a hug, squeeze of the hand or just a few words.
4. Reminisce with others about a shared happy memory. Your recollection will feed theirs and vice versa. This can be especially meaningful for an older adult or adult children and can strengthen relationship bonds along with pleasurable feelings.
5. Take a break from routine or from stress, and think back to a pleasant memory or create a mental image of yourself doing something fun.
6. Celebrate good news whether it is yours, or someone else’s. A call, email or text rejoicing in someone’s good news lifts the spirit and builds connections. Congratulate yourself when you achieve a goal. Savor every moment of success.
Additional notes: Studies show that savoring positive experiences for up to three minutes, several times a day can increase long-term positive moods.
Action #2: Get Your Ass to Bed!
Disclaimer: This one falls under the category of “sleep hygiene,” but I can’t bring myself to bold that douchey term. Like, who walks around the office talking sleep hygiene?
Exactly.
But seeing as this one does comes straight from the sleep hygiene horse’s mouth, here goes:
According to the sleepfoundation.org: “The most important sleep hygiene measure is to maintain a regular wake and sleep pattern seven days a week. It is also important to spend an appropriate amount of time in bed, not too little, or too excessive.
This may vary by individual; for example, if someone has a problem with daytime sleepiness, they should spend a minimum of eight hours in bed, if they have difficulty sleeping at night, they should limit themselves to 7 hours in bed in order to keep the sleep pattern consolidated. In addition, good sleep hygiene practices include:
- Avoid napping during the day. It can disturb the normal pattern of sleep and wakefulness.
- Avoid stimulants such as caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol too close to bedtime. While alcohol is well known to speed the onset of sleep, it disrupts sleep in the second half as the body begins to metabolize the alcohol, causing arousal.
- Exercise can promote good sleep. Vigorous exercise should be taken in the morning or late afternoon. A relaxing exercise, like yoga, can be done before bed to help initiate a restful night’s sleep.
- Food can be disruptive right before sleep. Stay away from large meals close to bedtime. Also dietary changes can cause sleep problems, if someone is struggling with a sleep problem, it’s not a good time to start experimenting with spicy dishes. And, remember, chocolate has caffeine.
- Ensure adequate exposure to natural light. This is particularly important for older people who may not venture outside as frequently as children and adults. Light exposure helps maintain a healthy sleep-wake cycle.
- Establish a regular relaxing bedtime routine. Try to avoid emotionally upsetting conversations and activities before trying to go to sleep. Don’t dwell on, or bring your problems to bed.
- Associate your bed with sleep. It’s not a good idea to use your bed to watch TV, listen to the radio, or read.”
Additional notes: As much as our culture values work, you will never work the mental wellness game my friend, if you’re sleep-deprived.
Action #3: Start Each Day by Drinking Warm Water
For the love of God, how does water increase happiness? is what you’re probably thinking, right? But just like that “sleep term” above, we have to prime our physical health to enable optimal mental functioning. And while drinking warm water may not satisfy, it might be beneficial to put the caffeine and tea aside for improved health.
Here are six reasons why warm water helps, according to Stella Metsovas, clinical nutritionist from Food and Nutrition Sciences:
1. Cleanses Digestion. A very warm cup of water in the morning can help cleanse your body by flushing out toxins. Water and other liquids help break down the food in your stomach and keep the digestive system on track.
2. Aids Constipation. Drinking very warm water in the morning on an empty stomach can help improve bowel movements and aid constipation while breaking down foods as they smoothly pass through the intestines.
3. Alleviates Pain. Warm water, considered to be nature’s most powerful home remedy, can help alleviate pain from menstruation to headaches. The heat from warm water is known to have a calming and soothing effect on the abdominal muscles, which can help provide instant relief for cramps and muscle spasms.
4. Supports Weight Loss. Warm water increases body temperature, which therefore increases the metabolic rate. An increase in metabolic rate allows the body to burn more calories throughout the rate. It can also help the gastrointestinal tract and kidneys to function even better.
5. Improves Blood Circulation. The fat deposits in the body are eliminated along with accumulating deposits in the nervous system when you drink a glass of warm water. This flushes out the toxins that are circulating throughout the body and then enhances blood circulation.
6. Halts Premature Aging. The presence of toxins in the body can lead to aging faster, but warm water can help cleanse the body from those toxins, while repairing skin cells to increase elasticity.
*Always check with your prescribing physician before drinking warm water if you’re on any medications that could impact the efficacy of your medications.
Action #4: Donate to a Charity Every Time You Complain
Sometimes the best way to get out of your head is through mind games. While we’re all entitled to a passive-aggressive pass once in a while, there’s a big difference between every so often, and several times a wp themes day.
When that rare client used to complain ad nauseam during session (before I became skilled at the art of the psychological screen), I developed a technique to foster self-awareness of this toxic habit.
Went a little something like this…
1. Jane Doe is talking about how her ex disrespects her, how he’s already moved on, how he spoils their young son, how he doesn’t make Junior do homework or go to bed at a reasonable hour, etc.
2. I hold up my hand, and cock my head to the left. I agree that the situation is frustrating, and remind Jane that, unfortunately, Mr. Ex is not in the room, but she is!
3. Jane Doe doesn’t take the not-so-subtle hint, and seems more determined to convince me that she is in fact, a victim.
4. I look up, wince, pause and ask, “Is what you’re currently doing working?”
5. Jane Doe stops talking. And then we start working…
6. Jane Doe works her psychological insight and painfully acknowledges what she’s known all along….(See #6)
So get your notepad handy and start recording your complaints. You can increase the ante by adding a dollar amount that will surely hurt your pocketbook should this mission be unsuccessful.
Big Ass Bonus Points: Choose an organization or cause that runs so counter to your value system, the thought of supporting their mission makes you want to puke. Make a donation there.
Action #5: Abolish ‘Victim’ from Your Vernacular
This one’s a bitch for the tragic fact that someone reading this was (or is) a victim of maltreatment by another person, or subject to a catastrophic, traumatic situation. And Good God Almighty, though we don’t know one another — and for what it’s worth– I am sorry.
Regardless of your circumstances, you have overcome a lot of pain, loss, strife, and adversity in your life. The majority of us have.
The problem with feeling and acting like a victim is you remain stuck in a powerless role. You deserve better. You don’t have to forgive who hurt you, but know that holding on to that anger only burns you in the end. Try the following actions to get you on the right side of self-esteem:
~Ask what lesson this person or this situation can teach you about life and about your ability to problem-solve.
~Recognize when defensiveness threatens to get the best of you. Take three deep breaths before you respond.
~Write down attainable goals for the next few months that are aligned with what gives your life meaning, vitality and satisfaction.
~Know you cannot change another person, no matter how much they might need to do things differently.
~Resist the urge to apologize for everything under the sun.
~Vow to think differently about your life, and your options.
~Take responsibility for your actions only.
~Repeat Despite what’s happened to me, I am not a victim.
Action #6: Reach Out to Someone You’ve Wronged and Make Reparations
Nothing says emotionally mature and psychologically evolved quite like owning your mistakes. It takes a big person to do the right thing, and it always feels good to consider the feelings of others. Plus, coming clean is sexy as hell.
Action #7: Start Criticizing…
I used to marvel at how me and my siblings would recount all the negative events we endured as children. The time my sister threw a sparkler in the air and caught it with the inside of her highly flammable blouse because adult supervision was MIA that July 4th. When our father practically killed a mouse in the house with a rubber dinosaur and flung its still-alive body across the backyard with the pool skimmer basket (I wondered for days whether it died on impact, or if the poor creature was just now grasping his last breath).
Fortunately, there were more positive events than negative ones, and our penchant for zeroing in on what went wrong was typical.
“The brain handles positive and negative information in different hemispheres,” said Clifford Nass, a professor at Stanford University. Negative emotions generally involve more thinking, and the information is processed more thoroughly than positive ones. Thus, we tend to ruminate more about unpleasant events — and use stronger words to describe them — than happy ones.”
Professor Nass said that most people can take in only one critical comment at a time.
“I have stopped people and told them, ‘Let me think about this.’ I’m willing to hear more criticism but not all at one time.”
He also said research had shown that how the brain processed criticism — that we remembered much more after we heard disapproving remarks than before. He suggests it’s better to offer the criticism right off the bat, then follow with a list of positive attributes.
I’ve done this technique with my teenager. People benefit from direct language much more than wishy-washy, indecisive dribble. So get to the point, and then get to the positives. I’m fond of the 1:5 ratio, but 1:3 works, too.
Remember that criticism is nothing to fear, it’s just that we’re not too accustomed to it.
Action #8: Move
I know you know this, but it bears repeating: Exercise is just as important for physical health as it is for mental health. According to mayoclinic.org, regular exercise helps release feel-good brain chemicals that may ease depression and anxiety. Additional benefits:
- Reduces immune system chemicals that can worsen depression
- Increases body temperature, which may have calming effects
- Gains confidence. Meeting exercise goals or challenges, even small ones, can boost your self-confidence. Getting in shape can also make you feel better about your appearance
- Takes your mind off worries. Exercise is a distraction that can get you away from the cycle of negative thoughts that feed the ruminating tendencies of depression and anxiety
- Social interaction. There’s another reason the CrossFit craze is so popular. And this has to do with community and the opportunities for meeting and socializing with others. We’re wired to connect, and sweating it out together is doubly beneficial.
- Healthy coping skills. Doing something positive to manage anxiety or depression is a healthy coping strategy. Trying to feel better by drinking alcohol, or dwelling on how badly you feel can worsen symptoms
Action #9: Make Room for Pain
This may seem downright counter to all the happy advice out there. But as mentioned here, if we’re not confronting pain on the daily, we’re deluding ourselves into thinking our problems will go away on their own. Life is beautiful, but life is full of problems.
Proactive pain management means we’re actively engaged in problem-solving. This is quite different from dwelling on the negatives.
Here’s my system, if interested: Every day before noon I have to tackle one problem area for at least 15 minutes. The beauty is at the end of the week, I’ve devoted almost 2 hours to pain management.
Action #10: Reach Out and Tell Someone about Your Happiness Plan
“You will launch many projects, but have time to finish only a few. So think, plan, develop, launch and tap good people to be responsible. Give them authority and hold them accountable. Trying to do too much yourself creates a bottleneck.” ~Donald Rumsfeld
To avoid crashing and burning face down in a tub of Trader Joe’s Belgian Chocolate Pudding, follow these four steps to hold yourself accountable:
1. Establish Goals. Set both a number and behavior goal. How many minutes per day will you devote to mental wellness? Equally important, how will you know when it’s worked? Measure this behaviorally: When I sleep through the night, or when I remain calm when in the emotional fray with my wife, etc.
2. Track and Measure. You need a baseline to gage whether what you’re currently doing is effective. By tracking and measuring both, you will know if the behaviors are yielding the results you want.
3. Review Progress. Set aside time during the week to review your progress. Make sure this is designated quiet time where you reflect on what’s going well, and what needs more attention.
4. Re-evalute. Determine your next steps by establishing what you need to change, adjust or get help with in order to continue to improve your emotional well-being.
Remember, you don’t have to do everything on this list. Choose which ones work for you and get started. When you make emotional wellbeing a daily priority, you will feel more focused, motivated, and energized. Happiness comes from small, intentional steps 😀
*****
What’s next?
I want to hear from you — what’s your plan? Since I disabled the comments following Spamstorm 2014, there’s a few options:
Tell me on Facebook.
Hit me up on Twitter.
Check out Holistic Healing for Anxiety
Yours in mental wellness,
—Linda Esposito
