Three years ago I wrote a Pulitzer prize-worthy article for PsychologyToday.com: “Forget Co-Parenting With A Narcissist. Do This Instead.”
Instantly popular, it quickly grew to hundreds of thousands of views, garnered tons of colorful commentary and social media shares, and was (and still is) *illegally copyrighted by the dozens.
Another perk is the new credentials I can now add to the end of my name, like the one which rhymes with “ditch.”
Totally cool, because I have a PhD in Boundaries.
The point of this article is not to glorify narcissism or my Freudian musings, but to help you tighten that invisible line around yourself which delineates what is okay, and what is not okay.
Hey, Linda—didn’t you just write about the Big B not too long ago? you may be wondering.
The answer is yes. However, one cannot have too many boundaries reminders, and that’s a good thing. Because our lives are fluid, our limits around acceptable behavior should be, too. Case in point: In February 2015 when I wrote, “Forget Co-Parenting…” I was feeling depleted and my brain was on the receiving end of burnout.
After yet another therapy session with a devastated, traumatized soul around a contentious co-parenting relationship, I felt demoralized and hopeless. I needed to act quickly to recover my mojo and my passion for clinical work. If nothing else, I told myself, I’ll create a space in the digital arena to refer clients for adjunct resources to manage high-conflict divorce.
Had I not recognized the drain on the brain, I would have continued to feel dejected.
Burnout takes its toll on mental health. Coined in the 1970s by psychologist Herbert Freudenberger, “burnout” is the loss of motivation and a growing sense of emotional depletion. At its core, burnout occurs when a person’s ability to complete a task is compromised by their ability to cope with stress. Research from a team of psychological scientists in Sweden provides strong evidence that workplace burnout can alter neural circuits, even leading to neurological dysfunction.
Signs of Mental Burnout:
- Feeling exhausted much of the time
- Feel that every day at work is a bad day
- Feeling little joy or interest in your work, or social life
- Feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities
- Engaging in unhealthy behaviors, such as excess drinking
- Having less patience with others than you used to
- Feeling hopeless about your life or work
- Experiencing physical symptoms of stress such as chest pain, shortness of breath, sleeplessness, or heart palpitations. (Schedule a physical exam, if this describes you)
Strategies to reduce anxiety, depression and stress-related illness commonly associated with burnout:
—Ditch unhealthy negative commentary that takes up precious emotional energy. This applies to your inner critic, mean people, and the random chatter you’re subjected to while living life. Yesterday I was shopping in Trader Joe’s for kombucha tea and this woman with bad hair extensions is yelling into her mobile device. My first inkling is to roll my eyes in her direction. “Why are people in public so rude?” I think. But because I’m intentionally trying to promote civility, I resist the urge and let the other annoyed shoppers do the “Are you serious?” gesticulating for me.
—Delegate responsibilities at home and work so you’re not burning the candle at both ends. For example:
a). Choose 3 things you are doing for your kids that they can do for themselves. As a parent of a teen, I so need to take my own advice on this one. Hello, make your own lunch, iron your school uniform, and vacuum your room.
b). Gently talk to your partner, co-worker, roommate, family member and let them know you feel they’re not pulling their weight.
“Hon, I know I’ve been making the doctor’s appointments for the family, but I’d like you to take over. I posted the contact info for the orthodontist, pediatrician and allergist on the fridge. Please schedule visits for the next few months and write it on the calendar.”
—Delete unwanted email subscriptions, dramatic people, and spammy social media accounts. This includes subs for wiredforhappy.com, too. On the social media front, make a date to delete the people and businesses which don’t provide value to your day. Over the weekend I cleaned up my Instagram followers, which feels great. Sure it’s hard deleting accounts from people who are perfectly nice, but essential for focusing on inspirational stories, current events and health-related tips, which is what I’m looking for now.
For an in-depth article about deleting dysfunctional humans, click here.
—Recognize your signs of mental depletion. Burnout is insidious. The symptoms are not as bad as a full-blown panic attack or a depressive episode, but they’re lurking, nonetheless. Feeling off or describing your mood as “low-energy” are signs. You’re the expert on your life, which means you get to, and must, call time-out, as necessary. Sure, it’d be great if your spouse was fluent in The Gottman Institute’s signs of partner distress, but you can’t expect people to read your mind.
No one likes a snappy turtle at work, at home or in public. I have no idea where that metaphor came from, but let’s go with it. Most of us like ourselves better when we’re operating from our rational, measured mind, not our angry, fly-off-the-handle, impulsive mind.
Our society glorifies stressed-out, overtime, hustling 24-7 and sleep deprivation. Too bad boundaries don’t make the cut. Let’s start a movement, The Be More Human Movement. Sure it’s a trending hashtag on Instagram, but there’s merit. Instead of, “Whoa—Wendy just pulled her 7th all-nighter to nail that presentation!,” why not revel in, “I’m so exhausted today, I just want to go home, wrap my arms around a baby goat and do nothing…”
*Speaking of bitter nothings and copyright infringement: #DMCA, baby. D.M.C.A. 😱
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P.S. If you came to Wired for Happy by way of the “Forget Co-Parenting With A Narcissist. Do This Instead,” article—check out this short video series of helpful tips.
Yours in ditching, delegating and deleting,
—Linda Esposito
